The secret diary of Lucky McDanger

NEW BLOGS APLENTY!!

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:59:15 +0100

I can only apologise to the people who have missed my writings, musings and so on.

Which I know literally goes up into single figures.

Me.

But anyways, I AM BACK! But only to whore myself out and let you know about another blog I've now set up. More on the details about that in a minute.

Basically, I've been gone for a long while (as some as you will know) because I've been busy travelling the world and relocating myself to Sydney. Now I'm here I've managed to get myself a rather fantastic new job with the people who you may find some cunning little links to among this blog.

Basically I'm now a 'marketing co-ordinator/Content editor'. Which sounds rather fancy and is in many ways. I'm currently trying to figure out just how the bloody hell you can write a press release for a removal firm when given the directives

"we need a press release"
"Cool, what are we releasing to the press?"
"Think of something"

This is simultaneously a pain in the backside and one of the most liberating things I've been ever given to do. I'll manage it though, of this I be sure.

So, this NEW blog!! I'm now writing about celebrities moving home. Now, some of the blogs may not be up to my normal content heavy, satirically angled, deep and meaningful issue related standards but; it does allow me to bitch.

And as people who are my friends (I mean, you're all my friends, but the ones who've seen me a) watching football b)reading the paper c) watching reality TV) will testify, I can bitch. I went to the school of hard knock bitching, nobody can bitch quite like me.

So, visit my new blog here, and also make a note of the website (http://celebrityrelocations.wordpress.com) it's going to be updated regularly, hopefully whenever a celebrity moves house in fact.

It's actually proving to be a lot of fun to write, as I can mince on about various celebrities and attempt to be a witty individual. hopefully it'll be just as fun to read, especially when you're surfing at work on a Friday afternoon, counting down till beer o'clock..

Erm, so this is it people, I'll try and blog a bit more often now.

Love peace and dappyness to all xx

Comments

A STAGgering time.

Thu, 28 May 2009 22:15:20 +0200

So, I was going to write about the stag weekend I was recently on (congratulations to the Fatman and Vic, but more importantly, well done the stag crew for making it a VERY MESSY weekend) but then I realised that the most juicy nuggets were quite obviously unprintable. What I will list however is a set of rules I stumbled across in Dublin for the weekend that sealed my livers fate.

• When going on a stag to Dublin, whatever money you are taking will never be enough, so don’t worry about it.

• It may be worth looking into Car Hire Dublin Airport, you may be able to save money on the taxi fares to and from town, especially if you’re in a large group. It saves being diddled by the unkind Shylocks of the Dublin taxi world.

• If you are going on a stag, it may be an idea not to write offensive slogans all over the T shirts you are all wearing. People give you strange looks when the front of your T shirt has a crudely drawn penis near the neckline.

• Make sure the airline has enough beer on the flight to last more than ONE measly round.

• Don’t get thrown out of the oldest pub in Ireland for singing, at half six on a Friday evening. Up for the Craic my knob.

• When visiting the obligatory Indian restaurant for the pre pub crawl meal, ensure they are not Islamic and thus, will serve alcohol.

• Drinking games need simple rules, otherwise men invariably known as Woody get confused, drunk and abused.

• Don’t give doormen lip after sneaking a pint out into the street, even if you’re technically right to have a go because said doorman has no identification besides a Guinness fleece.

• Last, and certainly no means least, on no accounts should you ever go into a lap dancing bar sober, for some reason you can’t objectify the women the way the situation demands it.

These are simple rules that if followed, will ensure you have a most awesomest time while celebrating the ball and chain that is about to be attached to your friends ankle.

Did I say ankle? I meant penis.

Comments

How could they touch this?

Thu, 28 May 2009 01:20:56 +0200

Normally I write about very serious brow crunching subjects, such as the death of Jade Goody. This one is going to be different, it’ll be the first time I’ve actually written about a subject that is close to my heart and in particular, two of the most incredible facts you will ever know. That in itself is a fact. This is a guarantee.

As befitting a person trying to make small waves within the world of paid writing, I am a huge fan of wordplay, in all of its forms. Apart from poetry. Poetry has been proven to be not only an accelerator for mental retardation, but is also behind the wildfire like spread of Aids in the 1980s.

That may be an overstatement and a vaguely clever way of questioning the sexuality of poetry, but the fact remains that poetry is undeniably Gay.

Anyway, I love playing with words, finding similes for describing similes, trying to find similes that work as metaphors (and finding none as the whole endeavour is paradoxical) and so on. I can listen to wordsmith’s tinkle their syntax until cows and other bovine creatures come home, so much so that my top three dinner guests if death was an irrelevance would be Churchill, Wilde and Eminem.

I’d have to sit Churchill between Wilde and Eminem, obviously. The homophobe and the homophile would be unlikely to pass the bread basket and olive oil to one another.

Bread baskets, unlike poetry, are not Gay.

My fascination with language, both lingually and in transcription (along with a childhood life in Hackney) led me to hip hop. I listened to tunes with a pad and pen, wearing out the rewind buttons of numerous stereo’s just so I could catch the final couplet of Cappadonna’s verse in ‘Winter Warz’ (if you don’t know about that verse, get busy). I was introduced to Black militancy and the nation of Islam through the words of Chuck D, which as a white boy growing up in London was of vital importance. It could be compared to ensuring a paraplegic has a good hurdling technique but I found great value in it none the less.

Right, I think I have my nails coloured to my mast; (another little fav of mine, playing around with sayings to create a nonsensical sentence, try it when you’re bored and see what you come up with, then tell me what you’ve come up with) I LOVE HIP HOP. For anyone who feels similarly then sit down, because here comes the first of my fantastic facts.

Cliff Richard invented hip hop.

Yes he did, he did. He really did.

The man who went on a summer holiday and had no worries for a week or two created the genre that gave us the drink driving of gin along a public highway, whilst smoking bushes of medical benefit yet legal intolerance. But where is the evidence to back up this rumour I hear you all scream. Well….

In a nutshell, DJ Kool Herc was the world’s first hip hop DJ, the first break he ever played was a cover of the Shadows hit ‘apache’. The main part he used was the bongo breakdown, which was played by none other than…

Sir Cliff bloody Richard.

Give him a little round of applause please as we move onto the next fantastic fact.

During the mid 90’s, the one stand out record label in hip hop was Death Row Records, the label founded by a former gang banging ex security guard to Vanilla Ice, Suge Knight. Death Row was the epitome of the much criticised ‘gangsta rap’ (a label I hate, but one that’ll have to do) sub genre of hip hop, exemplified by Snoop doggy dogg, Tupac, Dr Dre etc. Every album that Death row records released from their inception in at the start of the decade up past the death of Tupac went platinum, at least, a stunning achievement. Death Row was allegedly founded from money gained from Vanilla ice.

I say gained, I suppose what I mean to say is that –allegedly- Vanilla ice was hung out of a 10 storey hotel window by the ankles until he signed over royalties to ‘big Suge’. There has also been rumours that as part of ‘complicated negotiations’ Suge would force people to drink their own urine.

Basically, this label were not packaging a sanitised version of gang banging for mass public consumption, they were living it. Raw. Oh baby did they like it raw.

This is where the pun of this blogs headline comes into play. Because in 1995, shortly after becoming a minister and being declared bankrupt, Death Row records signed none other than the chief adversary of Vanilla, Mc Hammer.

I almost want to finish the piece on that bombshell, because I can think of no better ending.

Unsurprisingly the album that was recorded never saw the light of day, although you can download it if you use a search engine and the unlikely phrase ‘Mc Hammer album on death row’.

It just goes to show, if Cliff Richard can be the ultimate mack daddy that makes us jump, jump, and if Mr ‘please Hammer don’t hurt them’ can sign to a label that does pretty much the opposite of not hurting them, then perhaps my idea of getting the Pharcyde to cover ‘boy named Sue’ by Johnny Cash is not such a crazy idea after all.

Comments

'Jade no Goody Two Shoes' Says Parkinson

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 00:29:46 +0200

Those who know me will be all too aware of the huge pollen collecting inset in my hair about the delightfully dead Jade Goody. I was asked by a website I write for to come up with a piece about the whole media circus surrounding her, in specifically Michael Parkinson's comments. It was a hard piece to write because I couldn't use my normal tactic of using my opinion as fact. I also couldn't call her the pig face she was, but that's journalism for you. Anyways, here it is.
PS, I know it's a bit late, but I was asked to. I wouldn;t have written anything more about her if I had the chance.

Perhaps.

Michael Parkinson has slammed the media reaction to the death of Jade Goody and has claimed that she represents “all that’s paltry and wretched about Britain today”.

Parkinson’s comments came days after the death of Goody. The Big Brother runner up died after a much publicised and Max Clifford orchestrated battle against Cancer.

Goody found out she had Cancer while participating in the Indian version of Celebrity Big Brother, a show hosted by Shilpa Shetty; the British Celebrity big Brother contestant who was the target of racist bullying by Ms Goody while on the show.

Parkinson, the retired TV chat show host said: “Jade Goody has her own place in the history of television and, while it’s significant, it’s nothing to be proud of.”

“She was brought up in a sink estate, as a child came to know both drugs and crime, was barely educated, ignorant and puerile. Then she was promoted to celebrity by Big Brother and from that point on became a media chattel to be manipulated and exploited till the day she died.”

The comments were published in the Radio Times and have received a mixed reaction. Several columnists for the Mirror have attacked Parkinson such as Tony Parsons. Parsons has called Parkinson insensitive and puerile before attacking the former broadcaster personally: “it’s a crying shame Jade could not have done something worthwhile with her life. Like interviewing Billy Connolly.”

Tony Parsons is best known for writing books that fall into the ‘lad-lit’ genre, with titles such as ‘the family way’ and ‘one for my baby’.

Michael Parkinson has been a journalist since the age if 16, he is now 79.

Max Clifford, the PR expert behind the recent coverage has expressed surprise and sadness at the comments, according to the Independent.

Relatives and friends of Ms Goody have also attacked Parkinson. Now magazine have reported her grandmother, Sylvia Craddock, as saying she’d “love to wring his neck.”
Her former teacher has also defended her. According to the Independent, John Finagin said: “Never make the mistake of thinking Jade was not intelligent. Anyone who can run a media career and a business has to be really, really smart.”

According to PR inside, Ms Goody’s beauty salon was forced to close after it failed to make a profit.

A.N. Wilson of the Daily Mail has defended Michael Parkinson and in his column spoke of “the tawdriness of our media and the ugliness of our society.”

Defence of the comments also came from people from Parkinson’s home county of Yorkshire. Letters to the Yorkshire post spoke of the difference between Ms Goody and Jane Tomlinson, one letter said: “Sir Michael Parkinson is correct in everything he has said. Jade Goody only did it for Jade Goody and the look-at-me attitude.”

Comments

'Silent Tsunami' Threatens to Wash Away Russia's Poor

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 00:25:56 +0200

A stark warning was issued this week by the World Bank as they predicted the Russian economy would contract by 4.5% this year, leading to an additional 2.75m people falling into poverty.

“There is a risk of further deterioration in the world economy and in Russia. The real economy has deteriorated more than I expected, I’d call it a silent tsunami”. The words of the World Bank’s Zeljko Bogetic, addressing Moscow at the reports launch. The average wage has dropped $144US since the end of last year and unemployment is likely to rise by 2.7m, with manufacturing and retail among the hardest hit. Approximately 8% of the manufacturing work force will lose their positions in 2009; output in the sector has fallen 24.1% in January alone.

Russia relies heavily on its oil and other energy exports, leaving it susceptible to the more extreme pains of the global downturn. The Bank predicts that the average price of oil will be just under $48US per barrel, in comparison to last year’s figure of almost $97.

According to Bloomberg, the World Bank has not been the only one revising its sums. The Russian cabinet have altered their cloth according to the times; with new budget estimates calculated using an average oil price of $41. The government themselves believe the downturn will be less pronounced than that proclaimed by the bank, predicting a 2.2% contraction. Igor Shuvalov, the Russian Deputy Prime Minister said the forecasts were “too pessimistic for Russia”.

He may have a point, the world banks revised figures are based on oil maintaining a price around the mid $40’s; Russian estimates are based on oil selling for $41. This is wise considering Merrill Lynch’s Francisco Blanch warning to the Telegraph that prices could drop to $25 a barrel in 2009.

The World Bank has praised Russia’s moves to stave off the worst of the recession but has warned that more needs to be done. The report says: “Russia’s early fiscal policy response has so far focused on supporting the financial sector and enterprises, with rather limited support to households”. The bank has called for an improved targeting of the vulnerable, something that has traditionally hindered Russia’s attempts to tackle the impoverished. Over the course of the previous ten years, Russia had begun to make inroads into the poverty stricken but were hampered by the lack of governmental infrastructure within. The bank warns: “past experience in Russia and elsewhere suggests that any regional response to a sudden increase in poverty will be suboptimal in the absence of a strong federal intervention.”

While 625bn Rubles have been set aside for financial sector aid by the cabinet, only 111.5bn has been earmarked to ‘protect the vulnerable’. 300bn had already been set aside for packages such as indexing pensions and increasing the minimum wage. In January this year, unemployment benefit increased by 1686 Roubles to 4900, but in a country where under a third of all unemployed are officially registered, it is likely that this measure will not make a substantial difference.

BBC news reported on March 30 that social unrest was a concern in the more rural areas of Russia while Ban Ki Moon, UN Secretary General, speaking to Moscow on March 27 said: “if life grows much harder, especially in the poorest nations, social unrest will surely increase”.

It is unknown how well founded these fears will turn out to be -just as it is equally unknown how accurate any projections can be when based on the economically unreliable resource that is oil- but one thing is for sure; the poor of Russia face an almighty battle against the tide.

Comments

US Electricity Grid Hacked by Spies

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 00:24:21 +0200

The United States has reported that spies hacked into the national electric grid, leaving behind dormant programmes that could be activated in the event of war being declared.

An unnamed former US government official has made the claim to the Associated Press after the government audited electric company systems. State sponsored espionage may be behind the infiltration. Russia and China have since denied any involvement.

“There’s absolutely no substance in this story about China and Russia attacking the US power grid, so I hope the relevant US press can truthfully handle their reports, particularly about China”, said the Chinese foreign ministry.

Attacks such as this are regular occurrences for utility companies. Melissa McHenry of the American Electric Power Company was reported by Reuters to say: “we long ago identified that there are numerous scans and probes of our networks from external sources”. She has admitted that despite their best efforts “there are no guarantees that you can be completely safe from a cyber-attack”.

These cyber-attacks could become more frequent and carry greater danger in the US with the introduction of ‘smart grids’, a scheme that according to USA Today will receive $4.5bn of president Obama’s recently announced economic stimulus package.

CNN reports that the smart grid “will use automated meters, two way communications and advanced sensors to improve electricity efficiency and reliability”. One of the concerns is that with the smart grid more opportunities and openings to hack into the system are created. Another concern is the increase of employees working remotely via the internet, where ‘spear phishing’ (the use of false emails to introduce harmful programmes to PCs) can be used as a major route into the networks of utility companies.

There is currently no smart grid security legislation in the US, but this is to be addressed by a bill being introduced by Bennie Thompson, Reuters reports. Thompson has been quoted as saying: “our oversight indicates there is a significant gap in current regulation to effectively secure this infrastructure”.

Joe Weiss, a security expert told Associated press that “the fundamental problem is that we’re paying more attention to the cyber security of Facebook than we are trying to keep our lights on”. Weiss has said it could take nine months to restore power in a worst case scenario.

Another issue of concern for the US Government is that they do not have the complete authority to examine such privately controlled systems, making control and prevention against future attacks a much harder task. Tom Kellerman, vice president of security for Core Security Technologies, has suggested that foreign countries have already penetrated much of the United States critical infrastructure.

As of yet, America’s homeland security department have not reported any successful attempts to disrupt the power supply.

Comments

Wii Won't Be Cutting Prices say Nintendo Chief

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 00:22:59 +0200

Here's an I've written for another website, www.emmainteractive.com may as well put it about the place a bit eh?!

Nintendo president Satoru Iwata has said despite the global downturn, the home gaming giants have no plans to cut the prices of their consoles.

Nintendo have been one of the major home entertainment success stories in recent years with their Wii and DS consoles, both managing to break into hitherto untapped markets, such as females and the over 50’s. Mr Iwata told the Game Developers Conference: “it’s a cliché but it’s not just the 18 year old kid, it’s the mom on the train, it’s the high-school girl after she’s done with her homework, everyone plays games.”

While addressing the conference, Iwata mentioned that 47% of Wii and DS owners were women.

The recently launched DSi hand held system sold 600,000 in its first two days of release in Europe and N America, while the DS has already reached sales of over 100m, compared to the PSP’s sales of 50m. BBC news reported on March 26th of this year that the Wii is now the fastest selling console in history, beating the PlayStation 2.

Many expect Nintendo to outperform other Japanese manufacturers, and this is partially because of the downturn. People traditionally spend more on home entertainment compared to going out when in the midst of a recession, in the same vein as restaurants reporting a downturn in trade yet Domino’s pizza reporting a rise.

Not even Nintendo is completely free from the effects of the economic troubles blighting the globe however; according to gamesindustry.biz, yearly game sales in Japan have fallen 18%, while at the same time, Sony’s Playstation 3 is gaining ever stronger footholds in the market there.

One of the things in Nintendo’s favour is the constant stream of new software that is being made available for the Wii and there are plans for the DS to be used more in the manner of a life tool, as opposed to a gaming platform. Associated Press say the DS could be used to receive maps and further interactivity at places such as museums. It may even be used in the Japanese schooling system.

While rivals in the console market have been cutting prices in a bid to stimulate demand, the Wii’s price has never been reduced. The reverse has actually occurred in Britain. Gamesindustry.biz reported back in March that Nintendo had stated that “due to the severe and continuing depreciation of the pound, we are, unfortunately, having to raise our trade price to UK retailers of Wii hardware”.

Whether this price increase will affect the popularity of the Wii is another matter, but with the successful launch of the DSi and bold plans for the future, Nintendo seem sure of surviving the economic climate; in fact, they may even come out of it stronger.

Comments

The Rantastic review of last week! (Rape special)

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 17:16:10 +0100

So, Britain has gone Molesting Jack’s son crazy. According to latest reports, more people have attempted to buy MJ tickets than there are people on this earth. He was the most talented person in the world, his record sales –if stacked horizontally- would link Illinois to Ipswich, with enough left over to reach the Jupiter moon of Io. His feet moved with the liquid beauty of Robert Patrick in Terminator 2 and his songs? Well, they were off the wall.

Note the tense. Was, moved, were. Not is, move and are. It does remain to be seen if he can still move with the satin soles of yesteryear but one thing is for sure, his songs over the past 15 years have been as good as he looks black. But the mania remains. People have been queuing for days to get their tickets to the freak show and this puzzles me. We must assume that to afford these tickets then these happy campers have jobs. In a time when two million Brits are unemployed and currently scratching their arses deciding whether to watch Loose women or not, here we have people at worst bunking off work just to get involved.

So that puzzles me, he is a man trading on past glories and has not offered anything artistically that remotely approaches the benchmark reserved for ‘average’ since R Kelly gave him the I believe I can fly re-hash that is ‘you are not alone’ (sing one chorus in your head, then the other, seamless is it not?), that I can handle. What is too much is this; he is a paedophile.

Yes. And before you say it; yes he is. If OJ can be innocent of murder then MJ can be guilty of child bum love. I’m not going to give an appraisal of the several cases brought before the courts because it doesn’t matter that much, everyone has already made up their minds regarding Jacksons innocence and nothing I say is going to change peoples minds, just like mine is not going to be swayed from anything but guilty to literal buggery, despite his supporters painting him as a hunted man, albeit with various psychological foibles. But one thing is undeniably true; he has paid for the silence of children, and that is not the action of an innocent man.

Jackson is performing at the O2 in order to raise funds and this is where my issue comes into play. He is broke partially because of such silence deals with children, in my mind it follows on that the people who are now selling their own grandparents for tickets are retrospectively sponsoring child rape. But this is just my opinion, in a way that’s the point. You can’t fail not to have an opinion on the man; he is music’s Cristiano Ronaldo, if Ronaldo was an alleged rapist. Ah, we can but dream…

And speaking of rape, two stories last week really caught my attention, the black cab rapist and the ideologically challenged concept of ‘corrective rape’.

That’s right, ‘Corrective rape’. It is the new shock therapy currently being tested in S Africa as groups of men save women from the scourge of lesbianism, curing their fear of heterosexual hanky panky using the medium of gang rape. I can only assume this is from the Victorian school of medicinal thought, where it was believed that the cure for a woman’s hysteria was a strategically placed dildo. Only 35 cases have been reported, but in a country where 9 out of 10 rapes go unreported then roughly 300 lesbians have been ‘corrected’. What has not been reported is the level of homosexual rape correction. As someone who believes in equal rights, I can only hope Gay men are not being refused the hope of being cured.

The tabloid friendly titled black cab rapist is an interesting case, if only for the fact that the Police have managed to balls the case up so much, they have handed themselves into the IPCC. After arresting John Warboys in 2007 over a sexual assault (where CCTV footage was found of Warboys carrying a comatose woman out of his cab), he was released and subsequently attacked more women than the police have Muslims. One of the victims has to be applauded for waiving her right to anonymity and speaking out about her ordeal. The woman in question was offered a drink by Warboys, with him claiming he had won the lottery and wanted to celebrate (some would have taken the evening off but I digress). She turned the drink down, but when offered again, along with a free taxi ride home AND £50 she decided to accept the deal. The drink was unsurprisingly spiked, leading to her attack.

I would never advocate rape or any other assault, but neither can I advocate stupidity. It really is that simple, anyone offering such high rewards for something so trivial will have an ulterior motive. It’s how you become a millionaire just by posting envelopes and why you have to ring 0898 numbers to find out more about the get rich quick scheme that’s guaranteed to work.

That’s enough of that, I’m off to camp down by the O2 centre.

Comments

Race for life?

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 04:33:44 +0100

The BNP. It’s too easy to mock the politically silly and culturally confused. It’s also great fun. I decided to take them seriously for a moment and have a flick through their website.

I used the work PC of course, who wants those non chocolate chip internet cookies on their PC?

The first thing I tucked into was their TEN REASONS TO VOTE BNP. Come on, who thought they would be able to make it to ten? Credit where it’s due though, they managed to stretch ‘darkies cause crime and asylum seekers are stealing our money/women/houses/jobs (delete as appropriate)’ across the whole gamut.

Now obviously the BNP’s chief tactic is fear. Fear of the foreign and non Daz doorstep Aryan, but to leave it at that actually does them a disservice. For instance...

‘Vote BNP and government money pours into your area in order to ensure that you do not vote BNP again in the future.’

Translation: vote for us and you will shit the Government up enough to spend more in your borough. Is that not attempting to get the voters to back a rudimentary protection racket? Next?

‘For the BNP, putting local people first is the entire basis of our existence.’

Is there a need for a translation for this one? One thing I will say is if they’re putting local people first in areas like Tower Hamlets and Dagenham, they certainly ain’t helping whitey. I had an Indian friend tell me she moved out of Tower Hamlets because there were ‘too many Indians’.

I couldn’t argue with her, I was too busy laughing at the statement.

‘Once a BNP councillor is elected…police in your area start to arrest ethnic criminals for a change instead of treating them with kid gloves out of fear of being called ’racist’.’

If racial profiling and ‘random’ stop and searches are kid gloves then sod the adult mittens. This is one of the most incredible statements ever. The Macpherson report found the Met to be INSTITUIONALLY RACIST, if the BNP want the police to change their criminal targets; most of their voting demographic will be locked up by tea time.

It could be debated this wouldn’t be such a bad thing...

‘Once an area has become known as an area with a BNP presence and support, then ethnic crime gangs do not move into those areas. This means that you and your families are less likely to be the victims of immigrant crime, your house insurance costs will fall, and local families can stay in an area instead of it being turned into an ethnic ghetto.’

An ethnic ghetto. First of all, nice Nazi imagery there but more importantly, removing all the ‘colour’ from an area would essentially leave you with an ethnic ghetto, just that the ethnicity is white. I would also like to see how the house insurance costs falling claim can be backed up. Is it a case of...

B (total crime minus ethnic arrests this year) - P (total crime minus ethnic arrests last year) = X x Y (total money saved from criminal damage, court costs, counselling and hospital bills Divided by total crimes) divided by Z (the amount of policy holders in area) = insurance reduction per household?

Here’s the website to check out their 10 reasons http://bnp.org.uk/2008/04/ten-reasons-to-vote-bnp/

So I started looking around their site for further juicy nuggets, that’s when I found the money shot, what this particular raider of this particular lost ark was looking for: The immigration policy. I almost started a sweepstake at work to see how many words more than the four in ‘send the buggers back’ would be used. Unsurprisingly the main feature is the immediate end to further immigration...

‘and the introduction of a system of voluntary resettlement whereby those immigrants who are legally here will be afforded the opportunity to return to their lands of ethnic origin assisted by a generous financial incentives both for individuals and for the countries in question.’

Asylum seekers by their very name are seeking asylum from their homelands. I doubt a voluntary resettlement scheme would work, unless backed up by armies of Baz’s Daz’s and Gaz’s waving a grand in one hand and Molotov cocktails in the other, which would be one of the better case scenarios if the scheme came to be. Calling this ‘voluntary resettlement’ is like calling Auschwitz a ‘holiday camp’.

Without going into detail of the rest of their policies (we don’t want to give them too much publicity now) I found both fear and interest in the fact that the BNP promote organic farming and self sufficiency on a national level and that one of the election pledges is to install solar power into each council owned building. This is where the danger lies, by juxtaposing sensible policies with the nonsense of political Paki bashing they become more appealing and legitimate to marginalised white voters (of which there are many). On several issues they seem to speak more sense than the three main political parties, they have moved into non race based areas and offer an option which the centralised middle England hunting majority do not. People will attach themselves to the closest voice to their own and forgive the few pieces where it doesn’t match up. To truly tackle and defeat the BNP, we need to stop the ridiculing and begin taking them seriously because they are like a clown with a gun, laughable yet dangerous.

Comments

Bottlejobbing Bumbling C*nts.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 19:14:18 +0100

I've just written to the BBC complaining about their decision not to broadcast the Gaza aid appeal. I'm intrested to see what their reply will be. Here's my letter.

Dear BBC,

I am disgusted with you. Horrendously so. You are funded by us - the British public - and for years you have consistently abused your position. You are paid for so that you do not have to bow to the scum lords of advertising executives, so you can reach higher intellectual plains and be a beacon of light to other broadcasters, yet you continue to reject this and behave like a poor mans version of ITV.

I hope that last sentence cuts you deeply, as surely there can be no worst insult.

You waste the tax payers money on 'celebrities' dancing, you cheat your audiences with numerous phone line scams, you even influence the vote and cheat the public when they cede to your low brow brain pulping charlatan of a light entertainment programme. Then you make it front page news and constantly refer to it across your network of local radio stations for what felt like an age only comparable to the chart topping reign of 'I will always love you' and the sport coverage you now have is below the standards and range of channel 5 (exactly). All this within the past 12 months, and without mentioning the dreaded words 'misguided', 'granddaughter', 'radio 2' and Brand. But your most recent shenanagan takes not only the biscuit, but the jar, the refill pack of digestives next to it and the whole blasted Tesco metro shelf of tea time treats.

How dare you refuse to air the Gaza disaster advert? How dare you hide behind the smoke screen of 'impartiality'? Who or what strings have been pulled in order for you to exhibit the most yellow belly since Homer Simpson wore an ill fitting t shirt?

You disgust me, you have made yourself many enemies by your baffling actions and to be honest, you have lent credence to the view held by some lunatics that the media is controlled by a faceless bunch of Zionists. You ran the Darfur appeal, where was this blessed impartiality then? Or are there no Sudanese within your ranks to take umbrage?

So, well done BBC, you have made the Arab world your enemy, you have made people more suspicious of the Jews, and not managed to remain impartial one bit. A truely magnificent achivement, one that's all paid for by us.

Brilliant.

Comments

Happyness is probably not a cigar called Hamlet

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:16:54 +0100

Staying up last night as I was struck by the lack of a visit from the sandman, I developed an intricate and deep interest in advertisements. In many ways, I now prefer them to the Television programmes they interrupt, although that may be a damning indictment on the state of television today (it certainly is on the state of late night TV, which now mainly features people of dubious intelligence playing TV bingo. The only redeeming feature in fact is the fantastic night watch with Steve Scott, a man who deserves a crack at the Cillit bang adverts). But this is aside from what struck me last night, and it was this; ADS LIE! And when they don’t, they are opaque and confusing.

This is nothing new to most, I am not treading some hitherto untrodden on land and I’m aware of this, but people still chew the fat over the existence of God, despite that topic being more worn out than the elastic in the undergarments of a less than reputable lady, so I won’t feel apologetic. The reason for my sudden -and not so enlightening- epiphany was the ad that is currently doing the rounds promoting condoms, using the ever so clever metaphor of ‘sex is like a roller coaster’, but more on that ad later.

So, advertisements lie. Since when was Gillette the best a man could get when oral sex with Match of the day on in the background still exists as a possibility? When Saatchi and Saatchi proclaimed Carlsberg was probably the best beer in the world, they obviously hadn’t tasted it, otherwise they may well have taken out the words world, best, both the’s and in to leave ‘Carlsberg, probably beer’. I’ve seen a lot of future since 1996, and none of it has been orange. I hear Coldplay had agreed in principle with the mobile phone operator, but when tasked with finding words to rhyme with orange they decided that things were a bit more primary coloured.

And when they don’t lie, they choose to be random, bizarre, or downright befudduling. What is the IT that Nike seems so intent on us just doing? Last time the words ‘just do it’ passed my lips, the it in question was not an enjoyable one, it’s rarely are in those instances. Some ads deliberately tread down the random route and work on the premise that if you’re still talking about it, then it’s been a success. I disagree, if you’re saying to your loved one while on the sofa in between celebrity big brother ‘just what the sodding hell are they trying to sell me?’ it’s an unmitigated failure.

And to the sex is a roller coaster idea. My initial response was a very Churchillian ‘bollocks’. I mean, is there a height restriction for carnal relations? Why can't adverts revert to the 1950’s style of infomercial? I’d love to watch that! Why do they need to use all these confusing metaphors? Especially ones that are not metaphorical, in the same way a simile is like a metaphor?
But the more I thought about it (it was a long sleepless night), the truer it became. For instance, waiting in the queue for the roller coaster takes an eon and when you finally get on board, it’s over in a matter of minutes, and then you wonder what all the fuss was about. If that doesn’t explain a lot of my dates and sexual conquests then nothing else ever will.

Apart from it being over in minutes, obviously. That’s poetic license in operation.

So you’re in the cart, slowly rising up the vein like track, heart giddy with excitement, you continue your incline heavenly bound and all is well, until you reach the apex and look down, all you see is certain, impending, inevitable, doom. You don’t want to take it any further, it’s been fun but that’s enough. However, there is no escape route and you are Magnus Magnusson, you’ve started so you’ll bally well finish.

As you drop into the dark tunnel, facing a sensory overload, your brain decides to develop topical tourettes. A myriad of tangents, tales, themes and thoughts - all linked by the fact there is no link between them - rush through your mind in the same way your body rushes through the sea air on this metaphorical roller coaster. ‘GOD NO! WHAT AM I DOING? THE LAST WOMAN I SLEPT WITH RUN OFF WITH MY BROTHER!! I CAN’T DO THIS!! DEAR GOD NOOOO! JAM! TEDDY BEARS! DAD LEAVE ME ALONE!! THE OVEN HASN’T BEEN CLEANED SINCE THE SECOND SUNDAY AFTER LENT!’ And so on. Then the ride calms down a notch, you start to enjoy the experience, you smile and wonder why you were so nervous. It’s while you wonder this that you become nervous again, because you remember the reason why. ‘SHE SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER FOR GODS SAKE!! ALL WOMEN ARE BITCHES! Am I gay? Oh my God I must be gay! MUMMY!!’

Before you know it, the ride is over. The sweat cools on your brow, and all that’s left is that feeling of hollowness and embarrassment regarding your behaviour over the previous few minutes. And a hint of resentment.

So maybe some ads tell the truth, but I’ll leave you with this. Statistically speaking, that car in front of you is likely to be anything but a Toyota. And the milky bar kid is not strong and tough; I kicked the shit out of the smarmy Aryan wet dream pre teen.

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I stabbed a teen and I liked it..

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 22:20:02 +0200

Katy Perry has been heavily criticised by anti violence groups and the parents of knife victims for posing with a three inch flick knife. The fact that the pictures were not used has been skipped over, only mentioned towards the end of a news piece in the same way you watch those financial adverts on during the day and the tongue twisting
‘we’llkickyououtofyourhomeifyoudontpayupwhenwesaywedodidntyoureadthesmallprintorrecordthisadvertssoyoucouldhearwhatweweresayingyousillybilly?’

Firstly; why is Katy (who, I’ll admit it, I have a vested interest in because I have a thing for leading on lesbianism) vilified when it was not her who published the pictures, rather a national newspaper? It’s rich when I would blame a lot of the knife culture on the news outlets for whipping us all of us into such a mass hysteria no man will talk to a child for fears of paedo attacks and no child feels safe in the street unless surrounded by ten mates and armed with kitchenware. (Incidentally, I’m 26 and was born in Hackney. The best way to avoid trouble was to look like the mother of all trouble. Nobody tends to bother a six footer with his hoody up. It’s a good defence mechanism, one which the youth of today should not be persecuted for)

If these pictures had been used then all is fair on the pretend penis phobe. But she didn’t, probably because of the fear that the public would react in this way. A source has said that the pictures were intended to give her a harder edge. Of course they were; the whole point of promo shots is to develop and increase the artist’s persona and aura. These pictures are art and in the case of most art are - unless Katy turns out to be one bad ass knife fighting bitch - fictional. You can almost hear the PR meeting, if you can’t then here is a version of events.

‘We need to give her an edge’
‘Agreed, we’ve done the ‘I’m a sexy lesbo’ angle, now we need something new’
‘Okay, so we need new, we need…Edgy and dangerous’
*Looks down at lunch plate while a hamster whirls around in its wheel
‘Hang on a moment, KNIVES! They have edges!’

And then Disco, new side of the artist is created.

Another thing to consider is that if indeed Katy Perry is a role model, then why has she been allowed to become one? This is a pass the parcel syndrome where humans cannot accept that something is of their doing, so they endeavour to find a scapegoat to alleviate the tension and guilt from their own minds. This distraction is doing nothing for our future generations, we cannot blame celebrities for becoming poor role models to our children; and we must blame ourselves for failing to provide better suited ones.

And lastly, the least academic of reasons behind my anger at the juxtaposition of Ms Perry and knife crime, but arguably the most infallible and best…

Hands up who thinks there are now more junior Yardies in Tottenham carrying knives because a girl who may - or may not have - kissed a girl, was pictured with one?

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THE NEW FRANZ FERDINAND CUP SEASON BEGINS

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 18:45:45 +0200

The race to become the world’s most hated superpower has begun with the re-emergence of that most dangerous of sleeping giants, Russia. They have reverted to the tactics of bygone centuries that gave them much success and have began what seems like a sustained attack on the previously unassailable position of the US, predominantly by picking on weak nearby sovereign states for pre season friendlies. China -although on a decent run of form with recent victories over demonstrators and Tibetan monks- do not seem capable of breaking into the top two, probably due to the fact that outside of domestic competition, they have not reproduced the form that have made them so fearsome within the Asian federations. The US storm to the championship has been derailed by several unnecessary replays away from home and the squad is now suffering heavily from injuries, denying them the chance to face Russia at the neutral ground of Georgia.

Instead, the Georgians faced the Russians, a clash steeped in history and with much bad blood following the protracted transfer saga of Ossetia from the minnows to the possible champions elect. The result was inevitable. While there was spirited fight from the Georgians, the overwhelming fire power that comprised the Russian front line proved too much to handle.

With the morale boosting win behind them, Russia now turns attentions to their next opponents, Poland. Local rivalry will again prove to be a large source of inspiration for all and promises to set up a mouth watering tie. Poland will offer a different proposition to the last game though, having been in operation for longer and with relative boardroom stability they are more capable of resolute defending and the occasional foray into opposition territory. Poland recently signed a long term deal with a promising US attack minded player, one that will cause any national side to pause for thought.

The US will undoubtedly be looking over its shoulder, concerned of the sudden rise of their old foes. They should be looking to finish their outstanding ties with speed and ease at the forefront of their minds, as the date for the fixture is yet to be decided. Who will win the irrepressible Archdukes cup? Let battle commence!

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JADE GOODY, THE CANCER OF BRITAIN

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 23:48:55 +0200

So, Jade Goody has cancer. The first Big Brother contestant to become –arguably- a star in her own right and the first to become a millionaire found out the news while on the Indian version of the popular but soul destroying show. It has been well documented as to why she would perhaps accept the chance to enter the India BB house, her beyond well publicised racial spat with the Indian shows host ‘Shilpa Poppadom’, the subsequent major loss in revenue as companies refused to touch her and her general desire to be in the public spotlight all essentially pre determined that this was the only course of action for the failed tanning salon owner.

The news was relayed to Goody in the house diary room. It could be suggested that this was heartless profiteering on emotion and misfortune, and if it was any other person the suggestion would possibly be upheld. But not by me, and not in this instance.

It has been in the public domain for some time that Jade had been suffering from ailments, indeed, she had been the recipient of several Cancer scares before this. For someone who is suffering ill health, it seems a curious choice to decide to participate in the Indian BB, but one that could signal the re-launch of the ‘East Angular’ brand. The magazine offers will currently be getting drawn up in the offices up and down trash avenue, the interviews on Richard and Judy/ Paul O ‘Grady etc will be lined up shortly afterwards and Max Clifford’s PR hungry ego will be stroked in this morning, talking of the need of Jade to ‘have some privacy in her time of need’.

This is not surprising, a damning indictment on what currently passes for media content perhaps, but not surprising. I will only be surprised if it turns out that Ms Goody did not know of her condition before the offer for India BB came in. The media attention that has come with the revelation that Goody is Cancerous simply cannot be bought, and with opinions of her in the public eye at a low, what better time to use the instrument of her creation to rebirth her? In India no less, where there were burning effigies of pork rinds in the aftermath of Celeb BB.

I’m not saying that Ms Goody does not have Cancer (indeed, I wish her all the best in her fight) I do believe however, that she may be using the disease to ‘curry favour’ with the public, using her poor state of health as currency.

If you doubt the hypothesis then let me ask you this, would you put it past Max Clifford?

I wouldn’t.

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